Bush: ‘Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over’

[ In 2001, The Onion must have been unaware of how unfunny this piece would be in retrospect! Thanks to Annie Butler for bringing it to my attention. –BL ]

18 January 2001 | The Onion

WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the
door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured
the nation in a televised address Tuesday that “our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over.”


Above: President-elect Bush vows that “together, we can put the triumphs of the recent past behind us.”

“My fellow Americans,” Bush said, “at long last, we have reached the end of
the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton
Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a
sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to
put all of that behind us.”

Bush swore to do “everything in [his] power” to undo the damage wrought by
Clinton’s two terms in office, including selling
the national
to developers,
going into massive
to develop expensive and impractical weapons
, and passing sweeping
budget cuts
that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe
war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the
U.S. will engage in at
least one Gulf War
-level armed conflict in the next four years.

“You better believe we’re going to mix
it up with somebody
at some point during my administration,” said Bush,
who plans a 250
percent boost in military spending
. “Unlike my predecessor, I am fully
committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the
point of even having a military?”

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic
by implementing substantial
tax cuts
, which would lead to a recession,
which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer
spending, which would lead to layoffs,
which would deepen
the recession even further

Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones industrial fluctuating
before closing
at an 18-month low
. The NASDAQ composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook
for tech stocks in 2001, also
fell sharply
, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and
the closing bell.

Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said: “That’s
hardly my area of expertise

Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do whatever it
takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton Administration
to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens that he will follow
through on his campaign promise to open
the 1.5 million acre refuge’s coastal plain to oil drilling
. As a sign
of his commitment to bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed
to his choice of Gale Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted,
has “extensive experience” fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist
for lead-paint manufacturers
and as an attorney for loggers
and miners
, in addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.

Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John Ashcroft, whom
he praised as “a tireless champion in the battle to protect
a woman’s right to give birth

“Soon, with John Ashcroft’s help, we will move out of the Dark Ages and into
a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and hard before
trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her entrance to
an abortion clinic,” Bush said. “We as a nation can look forward to lots
and lots of babies

Above: Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march lockstep in preparation for America's return to aggression.  

Above: Soldiers at Ft. Bragg march
lockstep in preparation for America’s return to aggression.

Continued Bush: “John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the terrible
wedge President Clinton drove between church
and state

The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.

“Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close,” House
Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. “Under Bush, we can all
look forward to military aggression, deregulation
of dangerous, greedy industries
, and the defunding
of vital domestic social-service programs
upon which millions depend. Mercifully,
we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton’s America.”

“For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be stopped,” conservative
talk-radio host Rush
said. “And yet, in 1996, the American public failed to heed my
urgent warnings, re-electing Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous
and at peace under his regime. But now, thank God, that’s all done with. Once
again, we will enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear
, mass
, and a massive
military build-up

An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically to the
Bush speech.

“After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the Democrats, we
have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President Clinton said that
the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012,” Rahway, NJ, machinist
and father of three Bud Crandall said. “That’s not the
kind of world I want my children to grow up in

“You have no idea what it’s like to be black and enfranchised,” said Marlon
Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes
were not counted in the 2000 presidential election
. “George W. Bush understands
the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has fought tirelessly
to make sure it never happens to my people again.”

Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.

“We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear
this nation in two
,” Bush said. “Much work lies ahead of us: The gap
between the rich and the poor may be wide, be there’s
much more widening left to do
. We must squander our nation’s hard-won
budget surplus on tax breaks for the wealthiest
15 percent
. And, on the foreign front, we must find
an enemy and defeat it

“The insanity is over,” Bush said. “After a long, dark night of peace and
stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward to
a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad.”

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